Wins, Losses, and a Hot Tub

Neither One Has Won Yet

This last year has held so much grief that at times the memories of all that has transpired take my breath away, and at the same time the growth, the development, the things that have come out of this year have been profound and outside of any realm I ever would have imagined. It's like I have been battling two different worlds in the span of twelve months, and neither one has won yet.

So let me start with the wins, because there were wins.

I finished my manuscript. I have sent out some queries, and I have written about that here before, so now I obviously need to get it together and follow through on the querying, but I finished it, and that is a profound accomplishment, because how many people can say they wrote a book? I put together an entire business proposal with long- and short-term projections for my company and pitched it to people I don't belong sharing a space with, and no one asked me to leave. I was selected for a reality show built around my business, which I have chosen not to participate in, because my life has enough plot right now. I won an award for being a Woman of Empowerment. I was invited to speak at a conference, and I am still debating whether I will, but being asked is huge. I wrote a white paper, an entire research project on a topic I value, and I am preparing the final bits to submit it for peer review. I built an online course, a full online course, on Emotional Infrastructure. I have an outline and fifty-something pages of my second manuscript already started.

I took a brief hiatus and focused solely on my business, and realized how deeply I missed being in the day-to-day of hospice care, so I am back in a capacity that lets me do both with balance. I have spent more time with my kids than I have in a very long time. I go to gymnastics practices. I spend evenings sitting in my hot tub reflecting, which is cheaper than therapy, although my book coach has gently suggested I look into that as well. And while some of this might seem small, to me this is everything.

But I also lost a lot this year. I don't wish to list all the things I lost, because it is so raw and so real, and my memoir holds so much of it already. Some of the losses were physical. Some I don't know if I can put words to quite yet. I lost things that maybe weren't mine to lose. I lost things that words can't describe. I lost things that have more meaning than an object.

The losses were equally as profound as the wins, and I am still allowing myself to sit with that, and I am still allowing myself to process that, and I am still allowing myself to grow through that, and I am still not sure what the other side looks like.

I know exactly what I want, when I want it, how I want it, where I want it. The plan is doing great. It's me we're waiting on. I am just stuck in this circle of grief and growth, grief and growth, and it's the unease, the incomplete, the unknown that has gutted me and brought me to my knees more times than I would like to admit. As a leadership coach who teaches emotional intelligence, I know exactly what I would tell a client in this situation, and I would like it noted that I find that advice deeply annoying. So that's the struggle I am in. And that's OK.

The last year feels like an eternity and the blink of an eye at the same time. I will be grateful for it. I will be grateful for the hurt and the challenges, and I will be grateful for the wins and the success.