The Truth I Tried to Outrun

I’ve spent so much time talking lately.
Telling my story, the same story, different ways, to so many different people.

Each conversation has been a strange mix of refreshing, freeing, educational—even cathartic.
It’s felt like letting fresh air into a room that’s been closed up for too long.

But today was different.
Today, I didn’t tell another version of the story.
I made a call that wasn’t about venting, or connecting, or even hoping to be understood.
I reached out to one person. The one person I knew would give me a point-blank, no-fluff, no-pretty-bow answer to the question that’s been keeping me awake at night.
No sugarcoating. No “maybe’s.” Just brutal honesty.

Here’s the thing—
I already knew the answer.
I’ve known it for a while.
That’s the real reason it took me so long to ask. I had been clinging to this quiet, ridiculous hope that maybe, if I waited long enough, things would change. That the story would somehow rewrite itself while I was standing still. That the outcome I dreaded would magically shift into something I could live with.

It didn’t.

When the words finally came, they landed exactly as I expected—a gut punch straight to the chest. I froze. My stomach knotted. For a moment, I felt sick.
And then, just as quickly, the moment passed.

Relief.
Pure, unshakable relief.

Relief that the answer was out in the open now, instead of rattling around in my head as an endless loop of “what if’s” and “maybe’s.”
Relief that the weight of waiting was gone.
Relief that I didn’t have to keep playing mental chess with a game that was already over.

The tears I thought would come never did. The wave of grief I braced myself for didn’t crash over me—at least, not yet. And I know it might. I know that acceptance and grief are not neat, linear journeys. They curve, they backtrack, they surprise you. I’ve walked that road before.

Right now, the struggle is still too raw to pick apart and label as “life lessons” or “growth.” But I also know this: one day, I’ll be able to tell this story in full. One day, I’ll talk about the loss, the challenge, and the way this season reshaped me. One day, I’ll be able to trace the line from these low points to some of my greatest moments of strength.

But today?

Today was the day I stopped waiting for a different answer.