Solitaire, Slots, and Suppressed Emotions

There’s so much to be said for allowing yourself to find peace.

As I’ve shared before, I’m a habitual avoider. It’s something I’ve worked on, grown through, and gotten better at as I’ve evolved into the person I’m becoming—but I still catch myself slipping when discomfort creeps in.

Some people take walks or meditate when they’re overwhelmed. Me? I start farms. I make soap. I go full homestead energy in an attempt to outrun my emotions.

This time, though, I opted for a different strategy: I dove headfirst into a nine-book Audible series—a whopping 162 hours of someone else’s voice telling me a story. For the past two weeks, I’ve had those books playing almost nonstop—from the moment I stop working until I fall asleep (which, let’s be honest, lately has been more like 2 or 3 a.m.).

But that wasn’t all. I added online solitaire and penny slots to the mix. Why? Because if my ears are busy and my hands are occupied, maybe—just maybe—I won’t have to sit with the feelings I’ve been trying so hard to avoid. If I’m too wrapped up in what I’m hearing or doing, I don’t have to slow down long enough to feel the discomfort.

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work forever.

Here I am, two weeks later. I haven’t finished the audiobook series (although it is good—very niche, but worth it), and I definitely didn’t win big in penny slots. But what I did do over the last 48 hours was something I’ve been putting off for much longer than two weeks:
I let myself breathe.

I made space for peace.
Peace with where I am.
Peace with what’s to come.
Peace with this beautifully imperfect life I’m living.

Last night, I put away the audiobook. Closed the solitaire tab. Logged off the penny slots. I turned on my favorite guided meditation instead, and I let the stillness sink in.

No, I don’t have the answers. But I do have a fresh outlook and a little more calm than I had before. And that’s enough for now.

Heading into an unplugged weekend with my family, feeling grateful, grounded, and—for the first time in a while—okay with simply being still.